Thursday, February 23, 2012


I think I blacked out.

And then posted in all caps?

I don't know what just happened.

Maybe I was having another nightmare.  But then why did I post that stuff?  Did I fall asleep at my computer?  The last thing I remember was looking at my window and seeing something.  And then I woke up, in my bed.

I'm going to try to get an emergency visit with my therapist.  I don't know what's going on.  I don't want to be like my brother.


Sleepless in Champaign

Hate nightmares.

Hate them so much.

It's bad enough I keep hearing that scratching.

But I've had dreams like the skinless dream twice now.  The setting's usually different, and Gatsby says something different in the end of every one, but I still lose all my skin by the end of it.

I should talk to my therapist about it, but I hate bringing up my brother to him.  It's a long, awkward conversation and I really don't ever want to have it again.

Wait.  There's that scratching.

There's something at my wind

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Such a Chicken

I still can't work up the nerve to ask out Koji.  Maybe he'll do it for me, though.  Yeah, I know, it's the coward's way out.  I should just be a man and ask another man out.

When did this blog stop being about my hypochondria and start being so gay?

Honestly though, there's not a whole lot more going on.  Classes keep on being classes.

I guess the looming specter that is Unofficial is coming up, though.  I am really not looking forward to that.  So many drunk people.  Oh well, I might get extra credit just for going to class again, so that's cool.

Friday, February 10, 2012


It would just so happen that the night I get to sleep in is the same night I get continually woken by nightmares.

Most of them were about my brother.  I guess given the theme so far we'll call him Gatsby.

It's probably just my subconscious telling me to go visit him.  I haven't in a long time.

I guess I'm a bad brother.  It just stirs up things I don't really want to remember, you know?

I should probably talk about my nightmares.

I was visiting him in this waiting room type thing.  Normally we walk the grounds with an orderly following us, but this is a dream, so it felt like, you know, this is what we always do.  Why wouldn't we just sit around in a room?

Anyway, I'm talking to him and as I'm talking, because this was kind of third person, I see some of my skin start to flake off.  But we keep talking.  I don't remember about what.

More and more of my skin flakes off and we keep talking and suddenly I notice all my skin is gone and it's like in a cartoon, where someone doesn't fall until they look down, and then I start bleeding everywhere, and I'm writhing in pain and he keeps talking and talking, and right before I wake up, he looks down at me and says, "what big teeth you have".

Naturally, as this is me, the first thing I did was take a shower and make double sure my skin isn't flaking off.  I had to actually look up the symptoms of Smallpox and Ebola just to calm myself down.

I guess I should take some melatonin or something and go to bed.  I don't want to, though.  Maybe I'll get some studying done.  Get my mind off that dream.

Monday, February 6, 2012


Classes have gone alright.  Haven't really had any episodes.

Also:  his name is Koji.  We talked. I think he was chatting me up.

I wish I was better at this.  I wish there was less to risk by just asking him out.

Lyndsay says I should just do it already, but if things get weird, it's not that big a class.  It'd be awkward the rest of the year and I'm not sure I'm up for that.

Justin is his usual supportive self.  And by that I mean he told me I should "slit my wrists and use the blood to compose the gayngstiest poetry of affection that can be bloodpenned".

I really hate my friends sometimes.

I'm still hearing the scratching.  I put out some no-kill traps, in case it's mice, but so far the bait hasn't even been taken yet.

Looks like parts of the lawn are dying, too.  Found some places where the grass just died in patches.  I've told the landlord.  I'm sure he'll get on it eventually.  Like next year.