storm

Have you ever just had the feeling a storm was coming?  Metaphorically, I mean?

That feeling that you're on edge, when you know the other foot is going to drop.  It's not a matter of waiting for it,  it's a matter of looking up and seeing the shadow falling above you and trying not to be under it.

That's how I feel right now.

Something bad is about to happen.  All of this has been an omen.

It's not going to be long now.

I know I shouldn't be thinking it.  It's just going to make  me feel worse.

But I can't shake it.

I just can't shake the feeling that something terrible is coming.

So Far...

So good.

Lyndsay and Justin and I have been hanging out more.  I feel good, you know?  I've barely even felt sick lately.  I mean, I've kind of been too busy to be sick.  But this is different.  Maybe I'm just repressing things, I know that's definitely a possibility, but does it matter if it makes me feel happier?

I know the answer's probably yes.

Things are still quiet.  Nothing really bad.

Maybe things are finally settling down/

Better

I'm a little better.  There hasn't really been anything weird in a while.  I even went to class today.  Koji smiled at me but didn't try to talk for me.  Probably for the best.  Not sure I could handle the pressure, even good pressure, if you know what I mean.

I didn't mean that as an innuendo but it kind of sounds like one.

I'm not feeling at a hundred percent.  But I'm better.  Lyndsay's even commented on it.

I've been sleeping in my own room for a while now.  I feel like such a wuss, having to crash in Lyndsay's room.  To be honest, I was in there longer than I needed to be.  I just didn't feel safe, alone.

Carraway--the manliest of men.  Needs a skinny girl to protect him!

I don't feel safe, honestly.  But I don't feel as unsafe.  No more scratching.  No more weird tags or sleep posts.  Maybe this was all just stress.  Maybe it's going to fade.

So Drained

It hurts to think.

Her name was Madeleine.  She talked for hours.  She asked so many questions.  She just asked and asked and asked, and I could tell she had good intentions because she wanted to study what was wrong with me and Gatsby and our mother but it just hurts so much.

But I answered her questions and I made her promise not to bother me again.

It just hurts so much.  I know I keep saying that but it's true.  There isn't anything as painful as this, not for me.  Not as much as remembering her.

I need a drink.  I just need to drink and lie down and try to put all of this behind me.

Going to Talk To Her

Wish me luck.

Giving In

I've agreed to talk to her.  I don't want to.  But I kind of don't have a choice.  She's just going to hound me until I give in.

But maybe if I tell her something she'll leave me alone.  I just don't like talking about it.  I don't like thinking about it.

I just want it to stop haunting me.

Explanation

I should probably give some sort of explanation, if I'm going to be whining publicly.

My mother was a very bad person.  She did very bad things to my brother and I.  She's the reason we don't have a little sister anymore.  She's the reason we're both as fucked up as we are.

She went to jail, and she died in jail.  My brother and I went to foster homes, and then I went to college and he went to an asylum.

How long do I have to keep suffering because of what she did?  Why can't life just let me move past her shadow?  Why won't people leave me alone about what she did?

When do I get to leave her shadow and get on with my life?

Why Did I Say Anything?

So she's waiting out there for me to leave the house.

She's been waiting all morning.

I didn't think people actually, you know, did this.  I should call the police but they already think I made up that thing with my window.

I just want her to leave.  I want her to leave me alone and let me live my life.  Things are bad enough already.

Hate People So Much

So apparently I was in the school paper for what happened on April Fools.

And now it looks like this alerted someone to the fact I go to school here.   There  was some tall skinny girl waiting for me after one of my classes.  Wanted an interview with me.  Said she was familiar with my case and wanted to talk about it for her thesis.

No, I'm not going to be talking about what that entails, but suffice it to say I still don't want to talk about it.  I hate that a bad part of my and my brother's life is now forever going to be a part of sketchy psychology textbooks until the next unfortunate event pushes it aside for another clusterfuck.

I normally wouldn't be about jinxing things but I don't see how this month can get any worse.

Tree

The tree in the back yard fell some time last night.  Looks like the wood is rotten all the way through.  It crushed the fence, but it mostly landed in the neighbors' backyard.  Landlord is going to do something about it later.  Maybe he'll finally do something about the glass, too.

My room's window gets replaced today.  I'm not sure if that'll make me want to sleep there again.

No Sleep

I'm still awake.

Even with Lyndsay in the room I'm afraid to go to sleep.

I don't know where these blog posts are coming from.  I've had a nightmare since the break-in.  Just one, but...it was worse.

I still haven't talked about what happens when my skin comes off, and I'm bleeding.  I don't want to. But I might have to.  Just to get it out there.  Maybe feel a bit more sane.

My skin comes off and I'm a wolf.  A big, black wolf and I eat my brother and I kill everyone at the hospital...which includes Lyndsay and Justin and sometimes even my exes and sometimes even Koji.

And then the fur starts falling out and my skin starts to fall away and I don't want to tell the rest because it's even worse.  It's even worse and it just keeps going.

So yeah.  Not a whole lot of sleep.

I wish I knew what was happening.  I wish I knew why it was happening.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB LITTLE LAMB LITTLE LAMB
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB WHOS FUR WAS BLACK AS NIGHT

Still No Leads

The police found nothing.  No fingerprints.  No dog hairs.  No chewed furniture.  No scuffed paint where a ladder might've gone.  Absolutely nothing.

I think they think I made it up as an April Fool's joke.  Honestly, I think the only reason they don't press charges or yell at me is how terrified I am.

I don't understand.  Why would someone do this?  What point is there?  If it's a prank, then shouldn't someone be laughing at me?  If it was one of my friends, wouldn't they admit it?

How did I sleep through that?

I don't understand.

The Worst Day To Post This

Someone broke into my room last night.  While I was asleep in it.

My window was shattered, and there was mud all over my floor.  Muddy dog prints, but there wasn't any other sign of a dog.  I'm on the second story, and there's no sign anyone came in anywhere else.

This is not an April Fool's Joke.

I've had a really hard time convincing the police of this, though.

I don't even know why.  Nothing was taken.  Nothing is gone.  Maybe someone played a prank?  I don't know anyone who would do that, though.  Not like this.

And I don't know what's up with that post.  I don't know what's going on.

I'm going to be staying with Lyndsay in her room until my window gets fixed.  It doesn't feel safe to sleep in here right now.

I don't understand.