My name's Lyndsay. I'm...I was, Caspian's roommate. He wrote about me a few times.
I'm...it's hard to write this. It's hard because it's still hitting me pretty hard, and it's hard because I don't really know what happened. I've been thinking it over for a day now and I'm still not really sure.
I didn't hate him for what he said. None of us did. He told us in person, after posting it. We all understood why he did what he did, and he was so happy. I don't think I've ever seen him so happy.
I've had this window up for a few hours now. I just have to keep coming back to it. I have to take breaks. I've been crying a lot, these past couple of days.
It was the night after he told us about his sister, and he was just so happy going to bed, almost serene. He was in his room for a couple hours before he called me there.
Sorry, needed to take another break. I'm still...not really sure how to feel. I don't understand what I saw, not completely.
He was standing there, in his room, next to this....well, I guess it was the Big Bad Wolf. I guess that's the best way to describe it, this massive, black canine thing. Caspian looked to me, and he smiled, and he told me he was going away. Going away to be with his sister and his brother. Forever.
The Wolf, it was like it, it tore a hole in the room, a hole to somewhere else, and it trotted inside, and he told me, don't be sad, because he's doing this because he has to.
He thanked me for being his friend, and he went through the hole.
It closed. And now he's gone.
I don't know if I believed him before, but I do now. I don't know what to do.
A part of me just wants to leave this place. Get a new apartment, maybe go in on something with Justin and his girlfriend.
But what if he comes back? I don't want to not be here for him. He...deserves someone to be here for him.
But I guess that's not your concern. But I thought you should know what happened. I think he would have wanted it this way.
I hope you're at peace, wherever you are, Caspian. You deserve it. And if you ever come back...I'll be here for you. I promise.
And wherever you are, Caspian's Mom? I hope the Big Bad Wolf is eating you, one little piece at a time, until the end of time.
--Lyndsay
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
The Real Truth
It's closer tonight. It moved two steps. I don't know what to do. I don't want to die. But I don't want to lose everything I have. I don't want to lose my friends. They're all I have left.
I have to choose one or the other, though. I have to, and they'll hate me for this. Everyone will hate me. They'll hate me for what I did. They'll hate me for not saying anything sooner. Maybe I could have stopped this, if I'd just stopped lying faster. Maybe if I'd listened to Edmund, I could have saved his life, instead of acting like a complete and total coward. Like usual.
Lucy was our little sister. She was such a beautiful baby. So innocent and fragile. We couldn't let Mom do to her what she did to us. We couldn't let her.
So we killed her. Just gave her a bit too much of the stuff Mom was using to slow her growth.
It was mercy. We wanted to be merciful. We didn't want her to have to live like we were. We didn't want her to live in hell. We should have called someone, should have told someone what she was doing to us, by she convinced us they wouldn't care. They'd never care. Only Mommy would care for us. And we believed her, because she was the only truth we knew.
And we killed Lucy, we killed her and Mom got so much sympathy, poor single mother, on her own. She'd told everyone that Lucy had been the product of rape, and that she was having her anyway. But Lucy wasn't the product of rape, she was the product of a drunken night with a man we never saw again. But now her precious little angel was dead, and you know the rest, we knew she would kill one of us, so we killed her.
But we killed Lucy first. We killed our innocent little sister. That was our secret. What no one knew. That was it.
I'm sending this link. I'm sending it to everyone I know.
Even if it kills me now. Even then, it'll be good. Feel good to die with this out. No more hiding from the truth. If this is the last thing I'm going to do, then I'll go to death with this off my heart.
And if I'm going to die, then maybe Lucy and Edmund will be there, waiting for me. Maybe she's forgiven me. If the Big Bad Wolf is here for me tomorrow night...I'll just walk up to it. Walk up to it and let it take me. Better than waiting for it to get me.
Goodbye. If anyone has been reading this, thank you for just being there and reading.
I hope I'll be able to update this again.
--Caspian Nod
I have to choose one or the other, though. I have to, and they'll hate me for this. Everyone will hate me. They'll hate me for what I did. They'll hate me for not saying anything sooner. Maybe I could have stopped this, if I'd just stopped lying faster. Maybe if I'd listened to Edmund, I could have saved his life, instead of acting like a complete and total coward. Like usual.
Lucy was our little sister. She was such a beautiful baby. So innocent and fragile. We couldn't let Mom do to her what she did to us. We couldn't let her.
So we killed her. Just gave her a bit too much of the stuff Mom was using to slow her growth.
It was mercy. We wanted to be merciful. We didn't want her to have to live like we were. We didn't want her to live in hell. We should have called someone, should have told someone what she was doing to us, by she convinced us they wouldn't care. They'd never care. Only Mommy would care for us. And we believed her, because she was the only truth we knew.
And we killed Lucy, we killed her and Mom got so much sympathy, poor single mother, on her own. She'd told everyone that Lucy had been the product of rape, and that she was having her anyway. But Lucy wasn't the product of rape, she was the product of a drunken night with a man we never saw again. But now her precious little angel was dead, and you know the rest, we knew she would kill one of us, so we killed her.
But we killed Lucy first. We killed our innocent little sister. That was our secret. What no one knew. That was it.
I'm sending this link. I'm sending it to everyone I know.
Even if it kills me now. Even then, it'll be good. Feel good to die with this out. No more hiding from the truth. If this is the last thing I'm going to do, then I'll go to death with this off my heart.
And if I'm going to die, then maybe Lucy and Edmund will be there, waiting for me. Maybe she's forgiven me. If the Big Bad Wolf is here for me tomorrow night...I'll just walk up to it. Walk up to it and let it take me. Better than waiting for it to get me.
Goodbye. If anyone has been reading this, thank you for just being there and reading.
I hope I'll be able to update this again.
--Caspian Nod
Friday, July 6, 2012
Closer and Closer
Every time I go to sleep, I wake up suddenly, and there it is. Its standing in my room, so dark I can only really see an outline. And when I see it, when I see it it takes one step closer, and then vanishes.
It's halfway across the room. I've tried sleeping elsewhere. It just appears that much distance from me. And takes one step closer.
I don't know how to stop it.
I already told you my secret.
I already said it.
Why won't it just leave me alone?
I don't want to die like my brother. Not when I've made a life for myself. Not when I've got so much to look forward to.
I don't know what to do.
I can't lose all my friends. I can't lose the only family I have.
Don't make me. Please, please don't make me.
It's halfway across the room. I've tried sleeping elsewhere. It just appears that much distance from me. And takes one step closer.
I don't know how to stop it.
I already told you my secret.
I already said it.
Why won't it just leave me alone?
I don't want to die like my brother. Not when I've made a life for myself. Not when I've got so much to look forward to.
I don't know what to do.
I can't lose all my friends. I can't lose the only family I have.
Don't make me. Please, please don't make me.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
What Happened
I still don't want to talk about it. But I guess I should. Maybe it'll help. Somehow.
Edmund...that's Gatsby's real name. Edmund Nod. When I got there, with Lyndsay, he was so relieved to see me. He said he'd though the Wolf had gotten me. He wanted to talk to me, wanted to tell me everything, but the doctors said he needed to rest, and that I could see him more the next day. Apparently, he'd spent the day yelling and screaming that he needed to see me, he needed to see me because the Wolf was coming for me.
The next day he was substantially more lucid...but much more distressing. He wanted to spend the whole day talking about Mother. And Lucy. Lucy, our sister that...that we never really knew. He said the Wolf was coming for us, the Big Bad Wolf was on his way, because of our secret. He kept saying that, that it was after us because of our secret.
I wish I'd believed him. I think I did, but something wouldn't let me admit it. He said he didn't know what to do, that maybe telling people would help somehow.
And then he said something strange. He told me that I should post about it on my blog.
I'd never told him about my blog. It's not something you talk to your asylum-bound brother about.
He said that the Wolf had told him about it. Shown it to him. He's told me that the Wolf is on my blog. That it's leaving those notes for me. He told me that the Wolf is all around us, always watching. Always scratching at our doors, our windows, and staring in, breathing in our secrets, our shames and fears and all the little lies we tell ourselves. He says it has many names, but that for him it will always be the Big Bad Wolf. I guess it makes sense, because it huffs and it puffs and it gets in your head, breaks through your brick house and it exposes everything you thought was so safely guarded, so deeply protected.
He spoke about this to me every day, every day for a week, because I kept going back to him, kept listening to him talk, and I ignored how uneasy I felt. I ignored how more and more I was starting to realize he was right. Because I'm a coward. A total, complete coward. I never faced what she did to us, or what we did to her. I never tried to get help, not beyond the most minor problem I had.
And now he's dead. The braver of the two of us. The stronger of the two of us, the one who actually faced his problems. Trying to get better, to understand and come to terms with what we did rather than filing it away and refusing to talk about it. He's gone and it's my fault.
On the last day, I came to the front desk, and asked to meet my brother. Things started as normal, orderlies came and went, one of the nurses went to see if he was feeling up to it.
Then, panic. It was like hitting a bee hive with a baseball bat. Nurses and doctors and orderlies were everywhere, and I saw a stretcher being rushed up the hall, and I asked the secretary what was going on, and she gave me a weak, forced smile and said she was trying to find that out, but I could tell they just didn't want to tell me.
But I found out. I got to watch as they performed emergency surgery on him. He looked at me, watched me the entire time.
Something had savaged him. Like a wild animal attack. They said his room was full of muddy pawprints and black fur, but there was no sign of entry. No holes that could admit an animal this large.
I posted, then, about our mother. I hope it would magically save him.
But it didn't. Less than a day after I posted that, he died in his sleep. I was too late. Too lave to save him, if I could. Too late to save myself.
The scratching at my window is back. If I'm quick enough, I can almost see it looking in.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what this is, or if I can outrun it.
Lyndsay knows. She's been trying to look things up. I didn't want to get her involved. She's my best friend. What if it goes after her, too? Even if she doesn't have skeletons in her closet...what if she's guilty by association? I don't know how this works.
I wish I knew how this worked.
Edmund...that's Gatsby's real name. Edmund Nod. When I got there, with Lyndsay, he was so relieved to see me. He said he'd though the Wolf had gotten me. He wanted to talk to me, wanted to tell me everything, but the doctors said he needed to rest, and that I could see him more the next day. Apparently, he'd spent the day yelling and screaming that he needed to see me, he needed to see me because the Wolf was coming for me.
The next day he was substantially more lucid...but much more distressing. He wanted to spend the whole day talking about Mother. And Lucy. Lucy, our sister that...that we never really knew. He said the Wolf was coming for us, the Big Bad Wolf was on his way, because of our secret. He kept saying that, that it was after us because of our secret.
I wish I'd believed him. I think I did, but something wouldn't let me admit it. He said he didn't know what to do, that maybe telling people would help somehow.
And then he said something strange. He told me that I should post about it on my blog.
I'd never told him about my blog. It's not something you talk to your asylum-bound brother about.
He said that the Wolf had told him about it. Shown it to him. He's told me that the Wolf is on my blog. That it's leaving those notes for me. He told me that the Wolf is all around us, always watching. Always scratching at our doors, our windows, and staring in, breathing in our secrets, our shames and fears and all the little lies we tell ourselves. He says it has many names, but that for him it will always be the Big Bad Wolf. I guess it makes sense, because it huffs and it puffs and it gets in your head, breaks through your brick house and it exposes everything you thought was so safely guarded, so deeply protected.
He spoke about this to me every day, every day for a week, because I kept going back to him, kept listening to him talk, and I ignored how uneasy I felt. I ignored how more and more I was starting to realize he was right. Because I'm a coward. A total, complete coward. I never faced what she did to us, or what we did to her. I never tried to get help, not beyond the most minor problem I had.
And now he's dead. The braver of the two of us. The stronger of the two of us, the one who actually faced his problems. Trying to get better, to understand and come to terms with what we did rather than filing it away and refusing to talk about it. He's gone and it's my fault.
On the last day, I came to the front desk, and asked to meet my brother. Things started as normal, orderlies came and went, one of the nurses went to see if he was feeling up to it.
Then, panic. It was like hitting a bee hive with a baseball bat. Nurses and doctors and orderlies were everywhere, and I saw a stretcher being rushed up the hall, and I asked the secretary what was going on, and she gave me a weak, forced smile and said she was trying to find that out, but I could tell they just didn't want to tell me.
But I found out. I got to watch as they performed emergency surgery on him. He looked at me, watched me the entire time.
Something had savaged him. Like a wild animal attack. They said his room was full of muddy pawprints and black fur, but there was no sign of entry. No holes that could admit an animal this large.
I posted, then, about our mother. I hope it would magically save him.
But it didn't. Less than a day after I posted that, he died in his sleep. I was too late. Too lave to save him, if I could. Too late to save myself.
The scratching at my window is back. If I'm quick enough, I can almost see it looking in.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what this is, or if I can outrun it.
Lyndsay knows. She's been trying to look things up. I didn't want to get her involved. She's my best friend. What if it goes after her, too? Even if she doesn't have skeletons in her closet...what if she's guilty by association? I don't know how this works.
I wish I knew how this worked.
Friday, June 29, 2012
it's been a while
he's dead. edmund is dead.
my name is caspian nod.
my brother and i killed my mother.
and now my brother is dead.
my name is caspian nod.
my brother and i killed my mother.
and now my brother is dead.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day
I was lying to you.
I'm sorry. I lie to everyone when I have to. I have to a lot. It takes too much explaining.
Have you heard of Munchhausen syndrome by proxy?
Our mother kept us sick. She hurt and poisoned us. She convinced us we were ill just so she could get the pity and attention. When she tried it on our baby sister she died.
But that didn't stop her. Because all the pity and love she got from that was so much more than she could get by just keeping us ill.
It was us or her. We could tell because we saw the wheels turning. We saw them turning and we didn't want to be next. We didn't want to be the spare kid that she could ruin just for a little attention.
So we killed her.
We didn't have a choice. She would have killed one of us so we had to get her first.
We didn't have a choice. We poisoned her before she poisoned us.
This isn't news or anything. The cops know all about it. We both spent some time in the asylum, but they decided I was well enough to leave. It was justifiable homicide, and we weren't even sixteen then.
I'm saying this because I think this is what this is all about.
I think this is about us killing our mother.
Something happened. Something happened and I don't know what it means.
I don't know what anything means anymore.
I'm sorry. I lie to everyone when I have to. I have to a lot. It takes too much explaining.
Have you heard of Munchhausen syndrome by proxy?
Our mother kept us sick. She hurt and poisoned us. She convinced us we were ill just so she could get the pity and attention. When she tried it on our baby sister she died.
But that didn't stop her. Because all the pity and love she got from that was so much more than she could get by just keeping us ill.
It was us or her. We could tell because we saw the wheels turning. We saw them turning and we didn't want to be next. We didn't want to be the spare kid that she could ruin just for a little attention.
So we killed her.
We didn't have a choice. She would have killed one of us so we had to get her first.
We didn't have a choice. We poisoned her before she poisoned us.
This isn't news or anything. The cops know all about it. We both spent some time in the asylum, but they decided I was well enough to leave. It was justifiable homicide, and we weren't even sixteen then.
I'm saying this because I think this is what this is all about.
I think this is about us killing our mother.
Something happened. Something happened and I don't know what it means.
I don't know what anything means anymore.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
First Week
He's not doing very well. I'm heading up there again. No time for dates.
He just keeps talking about a "wolf." About a big bad wolf. He raves and screams about it.
He keeps talking about what we did. It's after us because of what we did.
I'm not sure what to do. He's worse than he's been for a long time. I guess all I can do is be with him until he gets better.
More if there's some progress.
He just keeps talking about a "wolf." About a big bad wolf. He raves and screams about it.
He keeps talking about what we did. It's after us because of what we did.
I'm not sure what to do. He's worse than he's been for a long time. I guess all I can do is be with him until he gets better.
More if there's some progress.
Friday, May 4, 2012
...Spoke Too Soon
Just got a call from the hospital. My brother's backslid. A lot. Apparently he keeps waking up with a start and wailing and wailing. He's begging to get to see me.
I have to go. Justin and Lyndsay will be driving me.
I keep telling myself it's nothing major.
But I know it is.
This is how it begins. I can just feel it.
No more hiding.
I have to go. Justin and Lyndsay will be driving me.
I keep telling myself it's nothing major.
But I know it is.
This is how it begins. I can just feel it.
No more hiding.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
What
There was supposed to be a storm.
There wasn't supposed to be, well, this.
Koji asked me out.
KOJI ASKED ME OUT.
Go to hell, paranoia! I have a date this Friday.
There wasn't supposed to be, well, this.
Koji asked me out.
KOJI ASKED ME OUT.
Go to hell, paranoia! I have a date this Friday.
Friday, April 27, 2012
storm
Have you ever just had the feeling a storm was coming? Metaphorically, I mean?
That feeling that you're on edge, when you know the other foot is going to drop. It's not a matter of waiting for it, it's a matter of looking up and seeing the shadow falling above you and trying not to be under it.
That's how I feel right now.
Something bad is about to happen. All of this has been an omen.
It's not going to be long now.
I know I shouldn't be thinking it. It's just going to make me feel worse.
But I can't shake it.
I just can't shake the feeling that something terrible is coming.
That feeling that you're on edge, when you know the other foot is going to drop. It's not a matter of waiting for it, it's a matter of looking up and seeing the shadow falling above you and trying not to be under it.
That's how I feel right now.
Something bad is about to happen. All of this has been an omen.
It's not going to be long now.
I know I shouldn't be thinking it. It's just going to make me feel worse.
But I can't shake it.
I just can't shake the feeling that something terrible is coming.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
So Far...
So good.
Lyndsay and Justin and I have been hanging out more. I feel good, you know? I've barely even felt sick lately. I mean, I've kind of been too busy to be sick. But this is different. Maybe I'm just repressing things, I know that's definitely a possibility, but does it matter if it makes me feel happier?
I know the answer's probably yes.
Things are still quiet. Nothing really bad.
Maybe things are finally settling down/
Lyndsay and Justin and I have been hanging out more. I feel good, you know? I've barely even felt sick lately. I mean, I've kind of been too busy to be sick. But this is different. Maybe I'm just repressing things, I know that's definitely a possibility, but does it matter if it makes me feel happier?
I know the answer's probably yes.
Things are still quiet. Nothing really bad.
Maybe things are finally settling down/
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Better
I'm a little better. There hasn't really been anything weird in a while. I even went to class today. Koji smiled at me but didn't try to talk for me. Probably for the best. Not sure I could handle the pressure, even good pressure, if you know what I mean.
I didn't mean that as an innuendo but it kind of sounds like one.
I'm not feeling at a hundred percent. But I'm better. Lyndsay's even commented on it.
I've been sleeping in my own room for a while now. I feel like such a wuss, having to crash in Lyndsay's room. To be honest, I was in there longer than I needed to be. I just didn't feel safe, alone.
Carraway--the manliest of men. Needs a skinny girl to protect him!
I don't feel safe, honestly. But I don't feel as unsafe. No more scratching. No more weird tags or sleep posts. Maybe this was all just stress. Maybe it's going to fade.
I didn't mean that as an innuendo but it kind of sounds like one.
I'm not feeling at a hundred percent. But I'm better. Lyndsay's even commented on it.
I've been sleeping in my own room for a while now. I feel like such a wuss, having to crash in Lyndsay's room. To be honest, I was in there longer than I needed to be. I just didn't feel safe, alone.
Carraway--the manliest of men. Needs a skinny girl to protect him!
I don't feel safe, honestly. But I don't feel as unsafe. No more scratching. No more weird tags or sleep posts. Maybe this was all just stress. Maybe it's going to fade.
Friday, April 20, 2012
So Drained
It hurts to think.
Her name was Madeleine. She talked for hours. She asked so many questions. She just asked and asked and asked, and I could tell she had good intentions because she wanted to study what was wrong with me and Gatsby and our mother but it just hurts so much.
But I answered her questions and I made her promise not to bother me again.
It just hurts so much. I know I keep saying that but it's true. There isn't anything as painful as this, not for me. Not as much as remembering her.
I need a drink. I just need to drink and lie down and try to put all of this behind me.
Her name was Madeleine. She talked for hours. She asked so many questions. She just asked and asked and asked, and I could tell she had good intentions because she wanted to study what was wrong with me and Gatsby and our mother but it just hurts so much.
But I answered her questions and I made her promise not to bother me again.
It just hurts so much. I know I keep saying that but it's true. There isn't anything as painful as this, not for me. Not as much as remembering her.
I need a drink. I just need to drink and lie down and try to put all of this behind me.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Giving In
I've agreed to talk to her. I don't want to. But I kind of don't have a choice. She's just going to hound me until I give in.
But maybe if I tell her something she'll leave me alone. I just don't like talking about it. I don't like thinking about it.
I just want it to stop haunting me.
But maybe if I tell her something she'll leave me alone. I just don't like talking about it. I don't like thinking about it.
I just want it to stop haunting me.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Explanation
I should probably give some sort of explanation, if I'm going to be whining publicly.
My mother was a very bad person. She did very bad things to my brother and I. She's the reason we don't have a little sister anymore. She's the reason we're both as fucked up as we are.
She went to jail, and she died in jail. My brother and I went to foster homes, and then I went to college and he went to an asylum.
How long do I have to keep suffering because of what she did? Why can't life just let me move past her shadow? Why won't people leave me alone about what she did?
When do I get to leave her shadow and get on with my life?
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Why Did I Say Anything?
So she's waiting out there for me to leave the house.
She's been waiting all morning.
I didn't think people actually, you know, did this. I should call the police but they already think I made up that thing with my window.
I just want her to leave. I want her to leave me alone and let me live my life. Things are bad enough already.
She's been waiting all morning.
I didn't think people actually, you know, did this. I should call the police but they already think I made up that thing with my window.
I just want her to leave. I want her to leave me alone and let me live my life. Things are bad enough already.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Hate People So Much
So apparently I was in the school paper for what happened on April Fools.
And now it looks like this alerted someone to the fact I go to school here. There was some tall skinny girl waiting for me after one of my classes. Wanted an interview with me. Said she was familiar with my case and wanted to talk about it for her thesis.
No, I'm not going to be talking about what that entails, but suffice it to say I still don't want to talk about it. I hate that a bad part of my and my brother's life is now forever going to be a part of sketchy psychology textbooks until the next unfortunate event pushes it aside for another clusterfuck.
I normally wouldn't be about jinxing things but I don't see how this month can get any worse.
And now it looks like this alerted someone to the fact I go to school here. There was some tall skinny girl waiting for me after one of my classes. Wanted an interview with me. Said she was familiar with my case and wanted to talk about it for her thesis.
No, I'm not going to be talking about what that entails, but suffice it to say I still don't want to talk about it. I hate that a bad part of my and my brother's life is now forever going to be a part of sketchy psychology textbooks until the next unfortunate event pushes it aside for another clusterfuck.
I normally wouldn't be about jinxing things but I don't see how this month can get any worse.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Tree
The tree in the back yard fell some time last night. Looks like the wood is rotten all the way through. It crushed the fence, but it mostly landed in the neighbors' backyard. Landlord is going to do something about it later. Maybe he'll finally do something about the glass, too.
My room's window gets replaced today. I'm not sure if that'll make me want to sleep there again.
My room's window gets replaced today. I'm not sure if that'll make me want to sleep there again.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
No Sleep
I'm still awake.
Even with Lyndsay in the room I'm afraid to go to sleep.
I don't know where these blog posts are coming from. I've had a nightmare since the break-in. Just one, but...it was worse.
I still haven't talked about what happens when my skin comes off, and I'm bleeding. I don't want to. But I might have to. Just to get it out there. Maybe feel a bit more sane.
My skin comes off and I'm a wolf. A big, black wolf and I eat my brother and I kill everyone at the hospital...which includes Lyndsay and Justin and sometimes even my exes and sometimes even Koji.
And then the fur starts falling out and my skin starts to fall away and I don't want to tell the rest because it's even worse. It's even worse and it just keeps going.
So yeah. Not a whole lot of sleep.
I wish I knew what was happening. I wish I knew why it was happening.
Even with Lyndsay in the room I'm afraid to go to sleep.
I don't know where these blog posts are coming from. I've had a nightmare since the break-in. Just one, but...it was worse.
I still haven't talked about what happens when my skin comes off, and I'm bleeding. I don't want to. But I might have to. Just to get it out there. Maybe feel a bit more sane.
My skin comes off and I'm a wolf. A big, black wolf and I eat my brother and I kill everyone at the hospital...which includes Lyndsay and Justin and sometimes even my exes and sometimes even Koji.
And then the fur starts falling out and my skin starts to fall away and I don't want to tell the rest because it's even worse. It's even worse and it just keeps going.
So yeah. Not a whole lot of sleep.
I wish I knew what was happening. I wish I knew why it was happening.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Still No Leads
The police found nothing. No fingerprints. No dog hairs. No chewed furniture. No scuffed paint where a ladder might've gone. Absolutely nothing.
I think they think I made it up as an April Fool's joke. Honestly, I think the only reason they don't press charges or yell at me is how terrified I am.
I don't understand. Why would someone do this? What point is there? If it's a prank, then shouldn't someone be laughing at me? If it was one of my friends, wouldn't they admit it?
How did I sleep through that?
I don't understand.
I think they think I made it up as an April Fool's joke. Honestly, I think the only reason they don't press charges or yell at me is how terrified I am.
I don't understand. Why would someone do this? What point is there? If it's a prank, then shouldn't someone be laughing at me? If it was one of my friends, wouldn't they admit it?
How did I sleep through that?
I don't understand.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The Worst Day To Post This
Someone broke into my room last night. While I was asleep in it.
My window was shattered, and there was mud all over my floor. Muddy dog prints, but there wasn't any other sign of a dog. I'm on the second story, and there's no sign anyone came in anywhere else.
This is not an April Fool's Joke.
I've had a really hard time convincing the police of this, though.
I don't even know why. Nothing was taken. Nothing is gone. Maybe someone played a prank? I don't know anyone who would do that, though. Not like this.
And I don't know what's up with that post. I don't know what's going on.
I'm going to be staying with Lyndsay in her room until my window gets fixed. It doesn't feel safe to sleep in here right now.
I don't understand.
My window was shattered, and there was mud all over my floor. Muddy dog prints, but there wasn't any other sign of a dog. I'm on the second story, and there's no sign anyone came in anywhere else.
This is not an April Fool's Joke.
I've had a really hard time convincing the police of this, though.
I don't even know why. Nothing was taken. Nothing is gone. Maybe someone played a prank? I don't know anyone who would do that, though. Not like this.
And I don't know what's up with that post. I don't know what's going on.
I'm going to be staying with Lyndsay in her room until my window gets fixed. It doesn't feel safe to sleep in here right now.
I don't understand.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOLVES WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOLVES WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOLVES WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOLVES WOLVES WOLVES WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOLVES WOOL WOOL WOOL WOLVES WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOLVES WOLVES WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOLVES WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOLVES WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOLVES WOLVES WOLVES WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOLVES WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOLVES WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOLVES WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOLVES WOLVES WOLVES WOLVES WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOOL WOLVES WOLVES LITTLE LAMB LITTLE LAMB TAKE OFF YOUR COAT AND HOWL
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Still Not Much
Spring break came and went. Still here, still in the same house, with the same roommate.
I thought I had the flu over break, but I was talked down into admitting it was just an allergy. I'm in a bit of a better frame of mind, I think.
Gatsby called me today. He didn't talk long. It's the first time he's really talked to me on his own in years. He didn't say much, just kept talking, asking me how I've been. More than once. Kept asking how I've been sleeping.
He also said things I won't repeat. Personal things that I never want to talk about and he always wants to talk about.
Just before he hung up, though, he asked me about the thing he said to me right before I left. I acted like I didn't know what he was talking about and he told me that that was good. That was the way it should be.
I hope he's doing alright. He sounds even more paranoid than normal. Hope his new meds aren't causing side effects.
I thought I had the flu over break, but I was talked down into admitting it was just an allergy. I'm in a bit of a better frame of mind, I think.
Gatsby called me today. He didn't talk long. It's the first time he's really talked to me on his own in years. He didn't say much, just kept talking, asking me how I've been. More than once. Kept asking how I've been sleeping.
He also said things I won't repeat. Personal things that I never want to talk about and he always wants to talk about.
Just before he hung up, though, he asked me about the thing he said to me right before I left. I acted like I didn't know what he was talking about and he told me that that was good. That was the way it should be.
I hope he's doing alright. He sounds even more paranoid than normal. Hope his new meds aren't causing side effects.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Nothing Much To Say
Except that I apparently posted in my sleep again.
No nightmares. No phantom scratching. Classes have been going a whole lot better. I've even talked to Koji a few times! Still don't know if he was actually interested or anything, but it's progress, right?
I've even been hanging out with the others more. Justin's friend Stephanie, him, Lyndsay, and I all played some Rock Band the other night, and then Smash Brothers until we passed out. It feels good to have things sort of on track again, you know?
Well, for me, anyway. Apparently Lyndsay's been having troubles with her internet boyfriend lately. Been up a lot of nights talking to her about it.
Speaking of being up nights, probably should go to bed, while I have the luxury of going to bed early.
No nightmares. No phantom scratching. Classes have been going a whole lot better. I've even talked to Koji a few times! Still don't know if he was actually interested or anything, but it's progress, right?
I've even been hanging out with the others more. Justin's friend Stephanie, him, Lyndsay, and I all played some Rock Band the other night, and then Smash Brothers until we passed out. It feels good to have things sort of on track again, you know?
Well, for me, anyway. Apparently Lyndsay's been having troubles with her internet boyfriend lately. Been up a lot of nights talking to her about it.
Speaking of being up nights, probably should go to bed, while I have the luxury of going to bed early.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Met With Gatsby
I really don't want to talk about it, though. We talked about some personal stuff.
We did our normal thing, I guess. Just walked around the grounds, an orderly watching us the whole time. He's doing well, all things considered. Seemed more lucid than usual. I think they have him on something that's really helping him.
I wish he didn't have to stay out there all alone all the time. No one but me visits him. I guess he really doesn't have anyone else. He was happy to see me, though. Mostly, anyway.
He did ask me something weird, though, as I was leaving.
"Carraway....have you seen the Big Bad Wolf?"
I didn't get a chance to answer. I don't think I have? I don't know what that means.
Except my dreams, a lot of the time...what he says in my dreams. They're usually things having to do with, well, the Big Bad Wolf...or lambs. Like that thing I wrote when I black out, those were both quotes from my dreams. I don't know what they mean. Do dreams even mean anything?
Maybe this'll start to get things normal, though. Maybe talking to him was enough. He's doing okay.
Lyndsay wanted to know all about it on the ride back. I love her but she is nosy as hell. She's stopped asking as much, though. I hate talking about things like that, you know? A lot of unpleasant memories.
Anyway, no scratching yet. No nightmares last night, either. Hopefully the trend holds.
We did our normal thing, I guess. Just walked around the grounds, an orderly watching us the whole time. He's doing well, all things considered. Seemed more lucid than usual. I think they have him on something that's really helping him.
I wish he didn't have to stay out there all alone all the time. No one but me visits him. I guess he really doesn't have anyone else. He was happy to see me, though. Mostly, anyway.
He did ask me something weird, though, as I was leaving.
"Carraway....have you seen the Big Bad Wolf?"
I didn't get a chance to answer. I don't think I have? I don't know what that means.
Except my dreams, a lot of the time...what he says in my dreams. They're usually things having to do with, well, the Big Bad Wolf...or lambs. Like that thing I wrote when I black out, those were both quotes from my dreams. I don't know what they mean. Do dreams even mean anything?
Maybe this'll start to get things normal, though. Maybe talking to him was enough. He's doing okay.
Lyndsay wanted to know all about it on the ride back. I love her but she is nosy as hell. She's stopped asking as much, though. I hate talking about things like that, you know? A lot of unpleasant memories.
Anyway, no scratching yet. No nightmares last night, either. Hopefully the trend holds.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
...What I'm Not Talking About
...I guess it's pretty obvious by now that I'm specifically not talking about something. Something in particular.
Yes, I'm still having nightmares from time to time. Yes, I'm still hearing the scratching.
Yes, I think it's coming from my window.
No, I haven't seen anything at it. Yes, my sleeping has gotten worse. A lot worse. Even when I take melatonin. Especially then, I think, because I don't wake up. I sleep through the night and the dream just goes on after. I don't really want to talk about it. Or think about it. Last time I literally scrubbed a layer of skin off a patch of my arm.
There aren't any branches near my window. The closest ones all fell off first. It's happening more and more. It's happening now. I'm a wreck. I'm not going to classes as often. I'm missing papers. Had to get a letter from my therapist. He thinks I should just retroactively cancel the semester and just take the rest of it off, but I don't know. I'm so close to being done, I just want to finish it.
Maybe I should take a trip to visit Gatsby. Maybe that would help things. I miss him.
Well, my therapist did say it might help. I just need to call the hospital before I go. Might as well go this weekend. Maybe Lyndsay or Justin'll give me a ride.
Going to try to sleep again. Hope the scratching won't keep me up.
Yes, I'm still having nightmares from time to time. Yes, I'm still hearing the scratching.
Yes, I think it's coming from my window.
No, I haven't seen anything at it. Yes, my sleeping has gotten worse. A lot worse. Even when I take melatonin. Especially then, I think, because I don't wake up. I sleep through the night and the dream just goes on after. I don't really want to talk about it. Or think about it. Last time I literally scrubbed a layer of skin off a patch of my arm.
There aren't any branches near my window. The closest ones all fell off first. It's happening more and more. It's happening now. I'm a wreck. I'm not going to classes as often. I'm missing papers. Had to get a letter from my therapist. He thinks I should just retroactively cancel the semester and just take the rest of it off, but I don't know. I'm so close to being done, I just want to finish it.
Maybe I should take a trip to visit Gatsby. Maybe that would help things. I miss him.
Well, my therapist did say it might help. I just need to call the hospital before I go. Might as well go this weekend. Maybe Lyndsay or Justin'll give me a ride.
Going to try to sleep again. Hope the scratching won't keep me up.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Death of Many Cuts
I think my classes might literally kill me.
I've been really tired, waking up, lately. For a while I was convinced I had mono, but Lyndsay's said, no, and that I should probably blog about thinking I have mono. So here I am, with more Castigation.
Justin's said that would mean I would have had to kiss somebody, so I'm home free.
I hope his latest girlfriend makes his dick turn green and fall off.
Anyway, I've been late to some classes, and haven't really done as much work as I should. Not really sure what to do. Maybe I need more melatonin.
I think the maple in the backyard is dying. It's hard to tell, but some of its branches have just fallen off lately, and the wood is rotten all the way through. I don't know what's causing it. The landlord STILL hasn't even looked at the dead grass.
And to top it all off, Koji hasn't really talked to me or anything in a while. Not that that should be a surprise or anything, considering how completely useless I've been at talking to him.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Worst Friend of the Year Goes to Justin
Seriously. He wants to go out drinking tonight. On Unofficial.
Lyndsay even agreed. Of all the nights for her to not stay in and send dirty chat to her internet boyfriend, tonight is the one she says we should go out and have fun.
He says it "won't be so bad" and that I should "stop being even more of a sissy than I normally am."
God damnit.
I guess I have to go. This will not go well.
Remember me as I lived, dear readers!
Lyndsay even agreed. Of all the nights for her to not stay in and send dirty chat to her internet boyfriend, tonight is the one she says we should go out and have fun.
He says it "won't be so bad" and that I should "stop being even more of a sissy than I normally am."
God damnit.
I guess I have to go. This will not go well.
Remember me as I lived, dear readers!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
The Coming Storm
I think the partying has already started.
I've heard rumors that Unofficial is going to be two days this year. I am eternally grateful I do not live on campus. I remember my first year at this school, getting woken up at the crack of dawn by partying, and then walking to class through what looked like bags of salad, opened and strewn across the sidewalk. And Unofficial St. Patrick's Day has been all downhill from there.
I found some more dead patches in the backyard. Lyndsay and I have been taking turns calling our landlord about them. I'm pretty sure he'll get to them a couple months after we move out.
It's weird, now that I'm looking at them, they seem to show up in fours.
Nothing else really to report.
I've heard rumors that Unofficial is going to be two days this year. I am eternally grateful I do not live on campus. I remember my first year at this school, getting woken up at the crack of dawn by partying, and then walking to class through what looked like bags of salad, opened and strewn across the sidewalk. And Unofficial St. Patrick's Day has been all downhill from there.
I found some more dead patches in the backyard. Lyndsay and I have been taking turns calling our landlord about them. I'm pretty sure he'll get to them a couple months after we move out.
It's weird, now that I'm looking at them, they seem to show up in fours.
Nothing else really to report.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
What?
I think I blacked out.
And then posted in all caps?
I don't know what just happened.
Maybe I was having another nightmare. But then why did I post that stuff? Did I fall asleep at my computer? The last thing I remember was looking at my window and seeing something. And then I woke up, in my bed.
I'm going to try to get an emergency visit with my therapist. I don't know what's going on. I don't want to be like my brother.
And then posted in all caps?
I don't know what just happened.
Maybe I was having another nightmare. But then why did I post that stuff? Did I fall asleep at my computer? The last thing I remember was looking at my window and seeing something. And then I woke up, in my bed.
I'm going to try to get an emergency visit with my therapist. I don't know what's going on. I don't want to be like my brother.
Sleepless in Champaign
Hate nightmares.
Hate them so much.
It's bad enough I keep hearing that scratching.
But I've had dreams like the skinless dream twice now. The setting's usually different, and Gatsby says something different in the end of every one, but I still lose all my skin by the end of it.
I should talk to my therapist about it, but I hate bringing up my brother to him. It's a long, awkward conversation and I really don't ever want to have it again.
Wait. There's that scratching.
There's something at my wind
Hate them so much.
It's bad enough I keep hearing that scratching.
But I've had dreams like the skinless dream twice now. The setting's usually different, and Gatsby says something different in the end of every one, but I still lose all my skin by the end of it.
I should talk to my therapist about it, but I hate bringing up my brother to him. It's a long, awkward conversation and I really don't ever want to have it again.
Wait. There's that scratching.
There's something at my wind
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Such a Chicken
I still can't work up the nerve to ask out Koji. Maybe he'll do it for me, though. Yeah, I know, it's the coward's way out. I should just be a man and ask another man out.
When did this blog stop being about my hypochondria and start being so gay?
Honestly though, there's not a whole lot more going on. Classes keep on being classes.
I guess the looming specter that is Unofficial is coming up, though. I am really not looking forward to that. So many drunk people. Oh well, I might get extra credit just for going to class again, so that's cool.
When did this blog stop being about my hypochondria and start being so gay?
Honestly though, there's not a whole lot more going on. Classes keep on being classes.
I guess the looming specter that is Unofficial is coming up, though. I am really not looking forward to that. So many drunk people. Oh well, I might get extra credit just for going to class again, so that's cool.
Friday, February 10, 2012
hate
It would just so happen that the night I get to sleep in is the same night I get continually woken by nightmares.
Most of them were about my brother. I guess given the theme so far we'll call him Gatsby.
It's probably just my subconscious telling me to go visit him. I haven't in a long time.
I guess I'm a bad brother. It just stirs up things I don't really want to remember, you know?
I should probably talk about my nightmares.
I was visiting him in this waiting room type thing. Normally we walk the grounds with an orderly following us, but this is a dream, so it felt like, you know, this is what we always do. Why wouldn't we just sit around in a room?
Anyway, I'm talking to him and as I'm talking, because this was kind of third person, I see some of my skin start to flake off. But we keep talking. I don't remember about what.
More and more of my skin flakes off and we keep talking and suddenly I notice all my skin is gone and it's like in a cartoon, where someone doesn't fall until they look down, and then I start bleeding everywhere, and I'm writhing in pain and he keeps talking and talking, and right before I wake up, he looks down at me and says, "what big teeth you have".
Naturally, as this is me, the first thing I did was take a shower and make double sure my skin isn't flaking off. I had to actually look up the symptoms of Smallpox and Ebola just to calm myself down.
I guess I should take some melatonin or something and go to bed. I don't want to, though. Maybe I'll get some studying done. Get my mind off that dream.
Most of them were about my brother. I guess given the theme so far we'll call him Gatsby.
It's probably just my subconscious telling me to go visit him. I haven't in a long time.
I guess I'm a bad brother. It just stirs up things I don't really want to remember, you know?
I should probably talk about my nightmares.
I was visiting him in this waiting room type thing. Normally we walk the grounds with an orderly following us, but this is a dream, so it felt like, you know, this is what we always do. Why wouldn't we just sit around in a room?
Anyway, I'm talking to him and as I'm talking, because this was kind of third person, I see some of my skin start to flake off. But we keep talking. I don't remember about what.
More and more of my skin flakes off and we keep talking and suddenly I notice all my skin is gone and it's like in a cartoon, where someone doesn't fall until they look down, and then I start bleeding everywhere, and I'm writhing in pain and he keeps talking and talking, and right before I wake up, he looks down at me and says, "what big teeth you have".
Naturally, as this is me, the first thing I did was take a shower and make double sure my skin isn't flaking off. I had to actually look up the symptoms of Smallpox and Ebola just to calm myself down.
I guess I should take some melatonin or something and go to bed. I don't want to, though. Maybe I'll get some studying done. Get my mind off that dream.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Stuff
Classes have gone alright. Haven't really had any episodes.
Also: his name is Koji. We talked. I think he was chatting me up.
I wish I was better at this. I wish there was less to risk by just asking him out.
Lyndsay says I should just do it already, but if things get weird, it's not that big a class. It'd be awkward the rest of the year and I'm not sure I'm up for that.
Justin is his usual supportive self. And by that I mean he told me I should "slit my wrists and use the blood to compose the gayngstiest poetry of affection that can be bloodpenned".
I really hate my friends sometimes.
I'm still hearing the scratching. I put out some no-kill traps, in case it's mice, but so far the bait hasn't even been taken yet.
Looks like parts of the lawn are dying, too. Found some places where the grass just died in patches. I've told the landlord. I'm sure he'll get on it eventually. Like next year.
Friday, January 27, 2012
So Far So Good
Classes have been pretty good so far. A lot of work but I'm liking it.
There's a boy in my Astronomy class that I think has been checking me out. God I hope he is. He's kinda cute. Asian--I think he might be Japanese? He's kind of gothy--with a little makeup he could almost pass for one of the guys in Dir En Grey. I know, I know, I shouldn't be all "OMG Asians are so hot", but there are a lot of Asian boys that happen to be really cute.
I can already hear Justin mocking my yellow fever.
Not, you know, the actual disease.
I've been inoculated against that.
That I need to remind myself of that is kind of sad.
There's a boy in my Astronomy class that I think has been checking me out. God I hope he is. He's kinda cute. Asian--I think he might be Japanese? He's kind of gothy--with a little makeup he could almost pass for one of the guys in Dir En Grey. I know, I know, I shouldn't be all "OMG Asians are so hot", but there are a lot of Asian boys that happen to be really cute.
I can already hear Justin mocking my yellow fever.
Not, you know, the actual disease.
I've been inoculated against that.
That I need to remind myself of that is kind of sad.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Class and Followers
So I just noticed I have followers. This is pretty weird considering I don't know you people and, following your links, you mostly post about made up internet monsters.
Also, one of you has started asking me about my dreams for some reason.
They're...the same as always? I guess some are weird but these are dreams we're talking about.
Anyway, that aside, classes are pretty cool so far. Though it's not fair that almost every single boy in my classes is a hottie. I wish my gaydar worked.
I haven't really had any episodes lately. I complained about having the chills, but Justin said, "It's just fucking cold." I guess he's right.
Also, one of you has started asking me about my dreams for some reason.
They're...the same as always? I guess some are weird but these are dreams we're talking about.
Anyway, that aside, classes are pretty cool so far. Though it's not fair that almost every single boy in my classes is a hottie. I wish my gaydar worked.
I haven't really had any episodes lately. I complained about having the chills, but Justin said, "It's just fucking cold." I guess he's right.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
I'm Weird
It's strange, but I'm really looking forward to classes starting next week. I know, I need to be detained and my brain examined, so they can see what strange deviance there is in my mutant brain.
I heard the scratching again last night. Maybe it's not being my roomie trying to act like a sexy catgirl--she was out last night with some of her friends. Maybe we have mice, or something.
God, I hope it's not mice. I am such a wuss when it comes to traps.
I heard the scratching again last night. Maybe it's not being my roomie trying to act like a sexy catgirl--she was out last night with some of her friends. Maybe we have mice, or something.
God, I hope it's not mice. I am such a wuss when it comes to traps.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Ugh
Sometimes I wonder if I stay in some relationships just because it's hard to find gay men in this town.
Anyway, passive-aggressiveness aside, my roommates must be doing something weird, because I keep hearing scratching in the night.
Lyndsay keeps saying she's not doing it, but I think she's just pretending to be a cat at her internet boyfriend again.
...I'm putting this off, because this one is really bad.
It's not skin cancer. It's just a freckle that got cut. It's not skin cancer. I've had this freckle since I was a teenager.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Something We All Know
Ever been up really late, waiting for someone to call?
That's me right now.
Sometimes I think it sucks to rely on other people, you know? Some days I just wish I could get away from everyone, never have to talk to them again.
Oh well, at least I have the internet. I can always rely on you, internet!
Speaking of the internet, got a weird email the other day. One of my friends sent me a article talking about this girl who we used to be in class with. Charity was her name. Apparently, she did some sort of murder-suicide thing recently. Killed her old boyfriend from high school, then slit her own wrists with the same knife. There's not much info in the papers about it, though.
I feel bad. I didn't know her all that well, but she seemed really nice. Apparently she had a history of mental problems? I didn't see anything like that, though. They think she might have killed her parents, too.
Oh well. If she did have mental problems, I hope she's at least peaceful now.
It might sound callous, but part of me is glad I'm not fucked up...you know, like that. I got off pretty easy, all things considered. I'm not trying to belittle her condition...but I guess stuff like this just makes me realize how lucky I really was?
Anyway, enough of that for now. Back to internet and glaring at my phone.
That's me right now.
Sometimes I think it sucks to rely on other people, you know? Some days I just wish I could get away from everyone, never have to talk to them again.
Oh well, at least I have the internet. I can always rely on you, internet!
Speaking of the internet, got a weird email the other day. One of my friends sent me a article talking about this girl who we used to be in class with. Charity was her name. Apparently, she did some sort of murder-suicide thing recently. Killed her old boyfriend from high school, then slit her own wrists with the same knife. There's not much info in the papers about it, though.
I feel bad. I didn't know her all that well, but she seemed really nice. Apparently she had a history of mental problems? I didn't see anything like that, though. They think she might have killed her parents, too.
Oh well. If she did have mental problems, I hope she's at least peaceful now.
It might sound callous, but part of me is glad I'm not fucked up...you know, like that. I got off pretty easy, all things considered. I'm not trying to belittle her condition...but I guess stuff like this just makes me realize how lucky I really was?
Anyway, enough of that for now. Back to internet and glaring at my phone.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Why Did I Have To Mention Bird Flu?
I don't have bird flu. Just a runny nose and a cough. It's winter. Those happen.
Really wish I didn't have to keep telling myself that. Oh well.
If I did have bird flu, you'd be the first to know when I turn into an exploding clipart bird, internet.
Speaking of birds, saw the weirdest thing on the way to Espresso Royale the other day. Some guy's walking around campus dressed like Ace from Ruby Quest. I kid you not, staff and beak and spade and everything. I've seen him a couple times now, too. He's...pretty huge.
Maybe he's getting ready for Winter War? It's a pretty obscure costume, but these are nerds we're talking about.
Oh well, now that I've mentioned clipart and coffee, I think I'll go brew some and watch Birdemic again.
Really wish I didn't have to keep telling myself that. Oh well.
If I did have bird flu, you'd be the first to know when I turn into an exploding clipart bird, internet.
Speaking of birds, saw the weirdest thing on the way to Espresso Royale the other day. Some guy's walking around campus dressed like Ace from Ruby Quest. I kid you not, staff and beak and spade and everything. I've seen him a couple times now, too. He's...pretty huge.
Maybe he's getting ready for Winter War? It's a pretty obscure costume, but these are nerds we're talking about.
Oh well, now that I've mentioned clipart and coffee, I think I'll go brew some and watch Birdemic again.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Might As Well Get This Over With
So, my therapist suggested I do this, and I kind of made it my New Year's resolution, so here goes.
You on the internet can call me Carraway. Hey! As you can probably tell from the title, I'm a hypochondriac. It's nothing serious, but it's been hurting my class attendance lately.
This blog's primary purpose is, whenever I'm feeling sick/imagining symptoms, I post about it here. Basically, this is going under the assumption that, if I just make it public, I'll realize on some level how silly it is for me to, say, imagine a case of mild indigestion is the bird flu.
Hopefully, I won't post on here very much. I've been getting better.
Who knows, I might post other stuff, about my life here, too!
You on the internet can call me Carraway. Hey! As you can probably tell from the title, I'm a hypochondriac. It's nothing serious, but it's been hurting my class attendance lately.
This blog's primary purpose is, whenever I'm feeling sick/imagining symptoms, I post about it here. Basically, this is going under the assumption that, if I just make it public, I'll realize on some level how silly it is for me to, say, imagine a case of mild indigestion is the bird flu.
Hopefully, I won't post on here very much. I've been getting better.
Who knows, I might post other stuff, about my life here, too!
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